I have a secret;
it’s not something a good Christian should struggle with. I’m embarrassed to confess that due to the
shame of my secret at times I have at times been one person in public and in
private another. You see, for most of my life I have suffered from depression. The ‘deep sadness’ is one of my earliest
childhood memories and has been there in the background of my world like a bad
smell for as long as I can remember – I honestly hate it! I have never wanted
to be the wet blanket or fun sucker for others, so in public I’ve been a Pollyanna
kept my sorrow to myself. The ‘Deep
Sadness’ has exhausted me, overwhelmed me and held me captive in a whirlpool of
hopelessness which at times has felt like a living death carrying with it a
deep sense of shame because you know the wonder of what God has done. You know
His goodness, love and mercy and this compounds your feelings of self-exasperation.
I have prayed I have fasted; I have kept a ‘thank you’ journal to help me stay grateful.
I have had other people pray for healing and tried to do all the things which
are meant to help - regular exercise, sleep and serving people. I even wrote a
book to help me cheerlead myself and guess what it cheerlead others instead!
At the beginning
of this year I went to a delightful place in Kent www.crowhursthealing.co.uk (wonderful place, I’d recommend it). I like to take time to get
away at the beginning of the year and just be with God. From this time God and
I usually produce a list of things to pray about /act on throughout the year to
come. Well this year I’ve been praying for freedom from the ‘deep sadness’
amongst other things. I know God answers prayers… So we’re in November...
Well peeps
it all started about 6 weeks ago I put in place some boundaries; it was
liberating and showed me how very burdened I’d been carrying stuff not given to
me by God. A week later we had a wonderful visiting preacher Nikki Rucci who
came and spoke about issues of the heart. I always assume there’s dross needs
burning off when I hear sermons on such topics and was bracing myself because I
gotta lotta dross! However over the course of the following week God showed me some
deep, deep stuff He wanted to heal – wounds I had endured for the sake of His
church. It’s sad but I had gotten to a place in my walk were I thought you just
did this thing called service with a broken heart – A week later our pastor
Paddy Venner spoke on freedom and ‘how the devil is terrified of our future
because all he can goad us with is the past’.
Friends I
have to tell you for the last 6 weeks now the deep sadness has gone –
completely! It was nothing I did, there was no clever therapy or strategy… only
God and I’m still in a state of awe at what God has done and pinching myself
with the reality of it all! My sister is still terminal, there are still concerns,
challenges and work to be done but I am miraculously free – and free indeed!I
want to use this blog to praise the source of my freedom Jesus Christ. If you’re
battling with a chronic condition - do life God’s way your character will be
developed in the process but God will come through for you. The words from Habakkuk
have been my mantra over the last 15 years or so.
Habakkuk 3:17-
18 “Even though the fig tree does not blossom and there are no grapes on the
vines; even if the olive harvest fails and the fields produce nothing edible;
even if the flock is snatched from the sheep fold – and there are no herds in
the stalls, as for me I WILL rejoice in the Lord. I will find my strength in
the Lord who delivers me”.
Sometimes
breakthrough takes a long time but who the Father sets free is free indeed – I’m
so looking forward to the rest of my life…
Love Ruth x
